Thursday, January 29, 2009
My Rapist- How the Law Failed Me
The two pictures at left sum up the attitude of Patrick J. Lillis. The confident actor- in more ways than one. The cocky businessman, the "chip off the old block" as he liked to brag, as "respectable" as his father, the man he worshipped more than any other.
Except himself, of course.
When Patrick J. Lillis came to my apartment one night after a fun evening of bowling with friends, it was clear he was "hyped up". He'd always acted "crazy", it was part of his charm, like he wasn't afraid to act the fool, and this such a relief in a city with so many "me centered" and "ultra serious" actor types. Hadn't I dated them all! But Pat was such a fun friend.
That wasn't enough for him, though.
He'd been drinking, and was sweating profusely. "Lighten up, you're too conservative," he said, and went into my kitchen without asking and found some red wine. It made me uncomfortable. I'd never seen him like this. The next thing I knew, he'd poured some of the Merlot into a juice glass, and demanded that I join him, in a "toast". We sat down on the couch, and that was when my terror began. He moved closer and closer, drinking the entire time, and I just wanted him to leave.
By the time he was trying to kiss me, I was in a panic of fright. I knew this was bad. Pat was so aggressive, he was pinning me down and saying "Whatever, what's wrong with you, give some to old Patty!" When he said "You give to everybody else! Why the fuck not me!" I knew I had to resist. I pushed Pat away, while my little dog Mr. Pibb barked furiously in the corner. Amazingly, I was worried Pibby might wake the neighbors. It was late, after midnight, and we live in a "quiet" building, since a lot of writers have chosen to live there. I thought it sounded so romantic, a "writer" building in LA, like if Raymond Chandler was upstairs pounding away on his latest dark tale. All of those silly dreams have been destroyed by Pat Lillis. Instead of begging for the neighbors to hear my assault and DO SOMETHING, I was only worried about waking them.
Pat got violent after I remonstrated him to stop, that I wasn't "into him" that way. He slapped me and pushed me into the couch. Then he raped me. He tried to enter me from the back, but by some small miracle couldn't. He called me a "tight ass Jew bitch" and said he must have heard the "stories" about what a "whore " I'd been wrong. Sure, it's shocking. No one was more shocked and horrified by this behavior than me. But I'm only telling the world because I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!!!
Mercifully, he finished, threatening my little doggie on the way out the door, but not being man enough to follow through with his threat to "fucking slaughter" Mr. Pibb. I was violated, with my pants and panties down by my knees. He had some weird obsession with my breasts, but couldn't get my bra off- almost like he had never removed a bra from a woman before, it was strange- and instead just kept pushing the cups up, gouging the fabric into my skin with his inept attempts at "seduction". I was cut all over my chest. When he had been trying to enter me from behind, to sodomize me, Pat got very frustrated and had punched me several times in the back of the head, making these animal-like growling and grunting noises, the pit of total frustration that this little man couldn't anally rape his victim. I don't believe a "man" like that can be considered fully human.
I've talked about what came next- bloody and battered, my head ringing with pain from his violent punches, I called back East to talk to my daddy. "We'll get the bastard," he said, and as I've written, it was the only time my daddy ever lied to me.
Because Ira Freykis had no idea the intransigence of the law system in the lovely state of California.
"O.J." taught an entire generation of women that you can do pretty much whatever you want to a "bitch" if you have enough money. What some people might not know is that crime was doubly troubling to Jewish Americans. I remember how my daddy shook his head, thinking out loud how the fate of Ron Goldman was barely ever mentioned by the "talking heads", how this handsome Jewish boy ended up with his throat cut so deeply he was essentially decapitated. "You can still get away with murder so long as it's a Jew," my daddy said, and I thought he was a little overwrought at the time. Little did I know that I'd learn just how little the rights of a woman could be compared to her "respectable" rapist, how I was "doubly trash", a Jew and a woman and still further degraded by being a rape victim. Pat Lillis took full advantage, and his lawyers were merciless in making it seem like I "wanted it".
Thinking how people ignored me, or looked at me strangely, how it angers me to this day. This is why I insisted, to my therapist, to myself, for the memory of Ira Freykis, my daddy- I insisted I would write this blog, and no matter what happened to me, I would continue to publish it here or anywhere else. PATRICK J. LILLIS WILL HOLD ME HOSTAGE NO LONGER. The courts wouldn't hold him accountable, but I will let the world know that I did NOTHING to deserve the beating and violation I received from this cowardly little man.
Patrick J. Lillis never served a day in jail for his crimes. When he began "bragging" to our mutual friends that I was a "nut-job" and a "psycho bitch" for reporting him, I was so crushed and embarrassed that I retreated from life, and the next two years were a blur.
I am recovering now. I am strong enough to talk about this nightmare of violence, and tell the world: NEVER AGAIN, PAT LILLIS! NEVER AGAIN YOU COWARD! YOU DO NOT OWN ME ANY LONGER WITH YOUR VIOLENCE, LIES AND TERROR!!!!!